Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
New mindset, who dis?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Name this drama.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?