Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Swedish for common sense.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.