Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
is this how new cars are made??
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.