Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
the noise i just made
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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