Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
You Might Also Like
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
and now we wait
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
File under excellent bookstore names.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone