Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”