Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too