Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’ve had relationships like this
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.