Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys


me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?


Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.


Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.


A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit


Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.


The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”


I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose


I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.


Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.