absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
You Might Also Like
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.