@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

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@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@TommyRainmaker

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

@TitaniumToplass

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@KimmyMonte

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@CheeseDaydreams

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.