Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

I will never stop laughing at this

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Fluff me with a fork baby

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.