Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.