@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

@charliedelta7

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

@carlyken

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

@thenatewolf

What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.

@Home_Halfway

SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose

@ArfMeasures

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

@hamspamtymaam

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@bombanta

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

@noogscorner

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]