Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day


Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.


You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.


What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.


SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose


Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one


Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.


Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad


Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|


A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]