I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
#oldknees
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.