her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again