Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset