Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.