her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.