her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*ernest hemingway voice*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.