Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.