her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
🛁
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.