Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.