Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Peace was never an option

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?