Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
