Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from