Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

one last job

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.