Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Many hands make light work
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Not even remotely sorry.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.