Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.