Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
then why did i get this email
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.