Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am