Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: