Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
What’s so funny?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5