The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
-How are you feeling?
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…