Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof


I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.


*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*


I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.


*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*


“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.


I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.


Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”


[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…