[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Best table by far
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!