Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why