her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
tis the season
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming