The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?