her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
my fav colour is also hitler
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Whoa 😂
