Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

An odd boast

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

Stop sending me this shit.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.