Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Yup.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.