HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
when you are just born a rebel
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started