HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.