Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
