Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?