Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You Might Also Like
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
meanwhile over on facebook
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.