Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

When you have to use a public restroom.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

(yawn)