@djdarrellripley

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

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@iamspacegirl

hello I cannot come to work today I’m thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.

@CantWaitToNap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@wickedsuga

Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid’s nose is from allergies or not.

His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.

@ehchino

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

@aka_fatman

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@Tbone7219

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

@ValeeGrrl

Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?