Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.