hello I cannot come to work today I’m thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid’s nose is from allergies or not.
His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?
Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*