Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
*orders delivery*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..