Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
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This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.