HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?