HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Yup
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
nobody’s gonna understand
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Bear knowledge
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER