HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Perfect
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.