HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Encore…
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?