HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m awake but I object,
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.