Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

This is my bus stop.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

So the ex texted me

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.