Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
BETRAYAL
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Schrödinger’s cookie
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.