Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
this was very charming
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.