Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
*puts cutlery down*
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!