Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

My dad.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.