Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Match dot com, but for socks.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

incredible google review i just found

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience