Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The French word for sex is croissant.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?