Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
watching gymnastics
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
japanese corn
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy