Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The cycle continues
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]