Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”