Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.