Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

The real reason evolution started..😂

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?