Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.