Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy