Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

me refusing to leave twitter

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

That’s what I call a flat tire

My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.