Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*