Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

When someone trying to leave me

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”