Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?