Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Brilliant!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work