Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.