Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Fights fire with marshmallows

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn