Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.