Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Yup

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.