Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

I am also baked goods

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh