Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”