Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
zone out
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.