Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

This took me a second..

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.