Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

My work here is don’t.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.