Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the weather talks about us?

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

Me irl

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

My daily affirmation

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.