Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

me before I type out affect or effect

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Finally!

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.